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Isn't It Distressing I came home from grocery shopping to find my two sons banging on our new coffee table with hammers. . . . Hair Today Gone Tomorrow When I was in 7th grade, my neighbor, Robin, climbed onto the school bus one Monday morning sporting a mop of hair so greasy you could have lubricated your skateboard wheels with it. As Robin plunked down on the seat next to me I stared surreptitiously out of the corner of my eye at the oily mess on her head. Perhaps Robin had mistakenly . . . Dogs are People, too An ominous grey sky did not deter my dog, Buddy, and me from enjoying the recent Tyler State Park Fifth Annual Greyhound Freedom 5K Run organized by Citizens Against Greyhound Racing. At least twenty of the fifty or so participants also brought their dogs, which afforded Buddy numerous opportunities to sniff the hind quarters of many Greyhounds, Poodles, Labradors, Chihuahuas, Golden Retrievers, Boxers and even a few surprised joggers. . . . Pursuit of Hobbyness It’s the month we curl up with a cup of tea during dark and frigid winter nights, counting the hours until spring and the pounds we’ve put on over the last two months. Cheer up. In case you didn’t know it, there are still plenty of reasons to celebrate this month. Today, January 18th, is Thesaurus Day. What a great opportunity to pay homage to Peter Roget, brilliant inventor of the thesaurus, the handy reference tool which organizes similar meaning words such as indifferent, comatose and apathetic (section 854.13) to help you more eloquently describe the return desk sales clerks you dealt with last week. . . . Deer Diary I see dead deer. Actually I see more live deer than dead deer. Just the other day a cute little Bambi stared at us from up ahead on Eagle Road as my son and I drove home from his late afternoon soccer practice. As I slowed, Bambi froze, giving us a close view of its soft-looking tan coat, pure white neck bib, perky little white-tipped tail and “doe-like” brown-eyed, innocent expression that all hid the fact that this seemingly tranquil looking creature was probably terrified out of its dear little mind, (make that little deer mind), and was probably thinking, in frightened, deer thoughts: . . . Push Over for Push-Ups I learned how to do real “guy” push-ups last year, not to be confused with the “female” variety where your knees are on the ground and you look more like you're hunting for a lost earring post than firming up your arm muscles. Even though I was proud of my fitness achievement, I was frankly surprised to learn it was such a big deal to humanity in general . . . Don't Let the Bedbugs Byte After spending the weekend supervising sleepovers, I really wasn't in the mood to diagnose strange little bumps on my wrist. But there they were: two pimply-looking, red marks with white dots in the center. . . . Junk Food Weekend in the Big Apple (2004) The lobby of our off-off-Broadway bargain hotel reeks of sesame oil and garlic. This isn't surprising considering we're sniffing distance from Korean grocers, street vendors and busy restaurants. There's another Korean café further down the street toward Broadway. Even the dented Broadway street sign at the corner reads in Korean. My younger son is obviously brimming with curiosity about this NY ethnic neighborhood. He bombards me with questions: . . . Worksheets 1:1 In the beginning, God created Education, a formless void which caused elementary school parents to bicker. Then God said, "Let There Be a Standard Curriculum." And there was a Standard Curriculum. . . . If Buddy, the Dog, Could Write It was 8:30 a.m. on a warm, sunny morning. A nice man ushered our little white rental car into the "Creative Zone" section of the enormous Magic Kingdom parking lot. You beeped to confirm the car was locked. Whether you realize it or not, you were part of the festivities that day, Keyless Entry Remote Thing . . . If Buddy, the Dog, Could Write Dear Female Creature with Divine-Smelling Toes, I'm forever in your debt for your family's kindness, even the little creature who pulls on my tail while I'm eating breakfast. You rescued me from that nasty animal shelter and welcomed me with open paws into your fine abode. I could hardly sleep a wink in that . . . Oh What a Beautiful Morning 5:59 am WOOF! WOOF! WAKE UP PEOPLE! STRANGER OUTSIDE! CAN'T YOU HEAR HIM? WOOF! WOOF! QUICK – LOOK! RUN TO THE DOOR! I will do my best to protect you from here way under your bed, but I could use your help. OHMYGOD! WHY AREN'T YOU RESPONDING? WOOF! WOOF! 6:02 am Well whaddaya know. Guess it was just the wind. 6:03 am OH JOY! YOU'RE AWAKE, TOO! WHAT AN UNCANNY COINCIDENCE . . . Keep On Truckin' 'Keep' is one of the most significant words in a parent's vocabulary. . . . Dieting Can Be Such a Battle WILMA FLINTSTONE and her best friend, BETTY RUBBLE are combing through piles of periodicals while slurping giant-sized, hot fudge sundaes. Fast food restaurants line the street outside. Fat cave people stroll by munching on hot dogs, licking ice cream cones and guzzling giant drink containers. . . . Inside My Computer My laptop computer is misbehaving. I tried to turn it off last night and, just like my kids, it completely ignored my commands. This isn't the first time my laptop appeared to possess a mind of its own. If I were to sneak up on it in the middle of the night I wouldn't be surprised to witness a scene like this: . . . Bored Games I never played a lot of board games when I was a kid, and attribute it to two things:<br> Firstly, my only sibling, an older brother, preferred blowing up discarded black and white television sets in the woods across the streets to playing Candyland with his squirty little sister . . . That's One Small Burp for Man Parents know they must establish academic goals for their children and encourage them to perform well in elementary and high school. Children need good grades in order to be accepted into fine universities such as Harvard, Princeton, . . . The Latest Rage God sat in front of his laptop computer. He stared intently at a color monitor that currently displayed a detailed view of the western hemisphere. His gnarled, left hand fingers rested lightly on a golden keyboard. With his right hand, he pointed an elegant, sterling silver mouse at the Midwest United States and double clicked. . . . Change is in the Air I have been gifted with special visionary powers. I know this because the extra toilet paper rolls in my bathroom are apparently invisible to all other human beings but me, the only person who can see one when it's time to replace a roll on the holder. . . . Did You Say Haiku or Pikachu? I have been gifted with special visionary powers. I know this because the extra toilet paper rolls in my bathroom are apparently invisible to all other human beings but me, the only person who can see one when it's time to replace a roll on the holder . . . I Know Where the Weapons of Mass Destruction Are Hiding I might not know the whereabouts of the infamous “weapons of mass destruction”, but I can definitely tell you the location of two young humans capable of massive household devastation. . . . Planned Parenthood After giving birth to two children, I finally understand more about "Planned Parenthood." I'm not talking about the big organization that offers sexual health and reproductive . . . Mother(Yawn)Hood "Accustomed to No Sleep" (to the tune of "Accustomed to Her Face" from My Fair Lady) . . . Too Much Advice If you surf the internet, shop at your local bookstore or subscribe to print periodicals you are certainly aware of the mounds of advice covering every imaginable topic in the galaxy. There are tons of books to advise you on purchasing the safest and most energy-efficient . . . Portrait Studio Passion I psyched myself up before going to pick up my son's first "Portrait Studio" photo package. I wouldn’' even give a cursory glance at any extra shots or gimmicks. . . . Oh Say Can You See? A few months ago, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, regal home of the Liberty Bell, the Declaration of Independence and Bill of Rights, opened its doors on a $140 million National Constitution Center. Here you "Enter as a visitor and leave as a citizen" and are provided a delegate's card as if you are a personal participant in the 1787 Constitution Convention. . . . Holiday Denial Diet "Oh ye'll take the High Protein and I'll take the Low-Fat and I'll be in Dietland afore ye" - Poetic song inspired by two hungry soldiers at a lake It is two in the morning, three weeks before . . . Chicken Soup Not sure what to buy Uncle Albert for Christmas? Need something special for your good friend, Pam? Wonder what kind of Hanukah gift you can get your sister-in-law for under $20? . . . Fish Out of Water When you take a long stroll on a seven-mile wide island there's a good chance that you'll bump into a legendary game fish, spot an exotic sea creature or get run over by a large boat if you walk too far. Being surrounded by water is a foreign concept to someone from New Jersey where a seven-mile long walk in any direction might take you into heavy traffic or the Ames Department Store parking lot. . . . Exodus from Toddlerhood Now it came to pass in the time of Autumn that this Child of mine was taken off the List of Waiting and accepteth unto the School of Nursery. And I, the Mommy so ordereth: . . . Searching for Simple Abundance I was trying to pour tea while refereeing a Go-Bot Transformer toy battle between my two young sons. It was December 1997. My sister-in-law had just presented me with a copy of Sarah Ban Breathnach’s "Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy". . . .

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